Perfectionism and ADHD: Understanding the Interplay

Recently, I tuned into a podcast I enjoy, where the hosts brought on a psychologist specializing in perfectionism. She also happened to be diagnosed with Autism later in her life. As a woman navigating life with ADHD, the topic struck a chord with me. Perfectionism is a familiar struggle in my own journey and one I often encounter in my work with others. Naturally, I was eager to explore how this trait intersects with neurodiversity, particularly in women.

While the episode shed valuable light on perfectionism in women with Autism, I couldn’t shake off a lingering dissatisfaction. The discussion overlooked the nuanced relationship between perfectionism and ADHD in women. It suggested that women with ADHD might not grapple with perfectionism due to the disorder’s inherent disorganization. This oversight left me unsettled. Having wrestled with perfectionism myself for years, and having witnessed its impact on clients, friends, and family with ADHD, I know firsthand that it’s a significant issue. It’s crucial that we recognize and comprehend the profound influence perfectionism holds over women with ADHD.

Defining Perfectionism:

Perfectionism is often misunderstood as merely a personality trait rather than a learned, maladaptive coping mechanism aimed at managing anxiety. It manifests as exceedingly high standards individuals set for themselves. They then continually strive to meet the standards. While some aspects of perfectionism may seem beneficial, it morphs into a hindrance when standards become unattainable, spiraling into a cycle of anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and shame.

Common manifestations of perfectionism include:

• All-or-nothing thinking: A rigid mindset that views mistakes as immutable flaws and personal failures.
• Setting unattainable standards for oneself.
• Chronic feelings of inadequacy.
• Negative self-talk and self-criticism.
• Living by rigid “shoulds.”
• Fear of seeking help.
• Sensitivity to criticism.
• Easily discouraged.
• Low self-esteem.
• Fear of rejection.

The Link Between Perfectionism and ADHD:

Perfectionism and ADHD often intertwine, with individuals grappling with fear of failure, setting unrealistic standards, black-and-white thinking, constant comparison to others, sensitivity to criticism, and reliance on external validation. These traits fuel chronic anxiety, self-doubt, self-blame, and reliance on perfectionistic behaviors as coping mechanisms to dodge disappointment, embarrassment, and the need for external approval.

For many women with ADHD, early academic success becomes a cornerstone of self-esteem. However, as they age, societal pressures mount, and the demands of adulthood intensify. Struggling to sustain attention, they resort to intellect to compensate, leading to self-doubt and an unending quest to prove self-worth. This journey fosters the adoption of rigid perfectionism as a coping mechanism, marked by relentless self-monitoring, fear of failure, obsessive behaviors, sleepless nights, and crippling anxiety. Despite outward success, these internal struggles remain concealed, leaving individuals feeling isolated and unworthy of compassion, fearing exposure as imposters.

As someone who has navigated the trenches of perfectionism and emerged on the path to recovery, I assure others that freedom from its grasp is attainable. In my work with clients, I emphasize cultivating radical self-acceptance and self-compassion as foundational steps. Through this journey, we learn to embrace our inherent imperfections, thereby building resilience against anxiety and fostering empowering self-talk.